I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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