so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
