If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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