i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
