You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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