my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
