mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
