I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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