I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
