i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
