I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize