I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
