you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
