When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
