K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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