My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
