Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
