Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
