We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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