Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
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You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
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They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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