After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
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You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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