You're my little dorito
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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