We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize