i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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