I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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