You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
