Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This is my gift to your gina
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
