i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
