i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
be right there i have to get my cape
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
