I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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