I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"