I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
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dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
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I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?