The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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