so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
