i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
