Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
