Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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