At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
