I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
