Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
