Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
