she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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