Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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