Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
