my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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