Old men and throwing up are my life now.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
