Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
