Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
not ubering you a puppy
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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