My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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