our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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