You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
