God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
