Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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