He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
