I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
