I just threw up on my dentist
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
