remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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