Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
