Your face is a jimmy john
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
