Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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