Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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