I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
