Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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