I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
