talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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